don Miguel and the Angel of Death

Note: don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements, has been one of the major influences in my life. I apprenticed with him in 1994 and over the years I worked with him directly I grew from a child to a woman, from a victim to a spiritual warrior. "don" is a title of respect.

I was mad. "I was fine when he died before, why am I not fine with him being dead again?" I had logically thought it out, wept, pouted, and processed but it still was not changing the fact that I felt like having a temper tantrum whenever I thought of don Miguel dying a second time.

don Miguel's first death came after a heart attack five or six years ago. And even that is not accurate, because don Miguel, like all of us that worked with him, died over and over again as part of his spiritual path. For the Toltecs death is a great advisor, and the Angel of Death teaches us how to truly live. She owns everything; our body, our house, our children, our self-identity. By embracing death as inevitable we learn to release our attachments and come into a place of incredible gratitude and joy for the gift of life. The Toltec relationship with death is not morbid but very freeing and sweet. So don Miguel had died metaphysically, metaphorically many times. His heart attack was my first experience of him dying physically.

I was in Maui with a group when I received the call that don Miguel was in the hospital. I sat in stunned silence on a swing for a long time, sorting through my thoughts and feelings. It had been four years since I had been with don Miguel and a group of Toltec teachers in Maui. At that time don Miguel, my dear friend Larry, a wonderful man nicknamed Cowboy, and I had hiked into the crater of Haleakala to retrieve the energy don Miguel had lost when he had a heart attack four years previously. At that time he was with a group of his first cycle of apprentices. When they reached the bottom of one of the deep volcanic cones inside of Haleakala don Miguel started to have a heart attack. The group managed to help him physically and energetically to hike the very steep, long miles back to the top where he stabilized his body.

My journey four years later into the cone with him and a small group of his second cycle apprentices was a huge honor for me. It was also one of the first times I saw the immense will of this little man. When we started hiking back out of the crater don Miguel passed all of us. As the three of us struggled with the altitude, the steep path and uneven footing, don Miguel seemed to literally float up the crater. And now, four years later, I was at the foot of Haleakala with a group of my own apprentices, trying to digest the fact that I may never see my beloved teacher again, and marveling at the synchronicity of my being in Maui. That journey I did lots of praying, we did a beautiful ceremony in the same cone don Miguel had his first heart attack, and I let him go with gratitude. Over the months he was in a coma we were asked by his family to truly let him go, and I was surprised to find myself feeling joy instead of sadness whenever I thought of don Miguel. I knew without a doubt that he loved me, and I knew that he knew I loved him. What else was there to say? I felt complete.

Don Miguel's mother, Sarita, was the one who pulled him back to the living after three months in a coma. He told me later he came back at Sarita's request to not die before she did. When Sarita died in May I found myself panicking; now don Miguel can die as well. And where I once felt calm and open around my teacher being dead that was not the case anymore. Perhaps my resistance was because of my father's death six months earlier, or because I had not spent much time with don Miguel in a few years. It was NOT okay for him to die. And that made me mad. I found myself repeating in my head, "But he was already dead once, he can't die again!" and feeling great loss and anguish.

Wanting to find closure again and share my gratitude for the countless gifts I've received over the years from don Miguel, I flew down to Teotihuacan for his "last" journey to the heart of Toltec wisdom.

I was amazed to find that I was nervous to see don Miguel again. My brain ran wild for the week before the journey. "What if he doesn't want to see me?" "What if no one wants to play with me?" I felt like a little kid moving to new school and wanting to be liked. Except I was returning to my spiritual family and I was afraid they may not take me back in again. And when I rounded the corner and spotted don Miguel by the pool at the hotel and saw the twinkle in his eye at seeing me, all my fears melted away. It is truly an amazing experience to be loved so unconditionally, and I loved seeing his love for everyone around him.

This trip to Teotihuacan was billed as don Miguel's last and was a mix of over 90 people, some new to the work and others who had been involved with the Toltec path for years. It was co-facilitated by his two sons, don Jose Luis and don Mikael (Miguel Jr.) who joined in the daily teachings. After his heart attack don Miguel's energy never really recovered; he was able to teach for a 1/2 hour or so at a time. His body was still compromised, especially due to the altitude we were at, but he was in rare form. His teachings were full of the fire and spunk I remembered when I worked with him in California. He gave everything he had to pass the last of his teachings to our group, focusing on the Mastery of Death.

We were invited to prepare for our own deaths in a new way; by actually seeing ourselves through the Angel of Death by becoming her. Here was a new concept; for years I have imagined the Angel of Death walking by my side (as the Toltec say, use Death as your advisor; this really puts you in the preciousness of each moment!) and to now become the Angel of Death was a profound shift. I was able to witness the sacred fragility of all things, from the seemingly most permanent to the most insignificant; all were equal. The life of a butterfly and the life of a human, or a civilization, could dissolve in a blink of an eye.

I talked with don Miguel about my new attachment to him; how I had so easily let him go before and now I felt clingy and fearful and not ready for him to die. He smiled at me and shrugged, while putting his hand to my face. "Sweetheart, we all will die," he said. "This body is tired, I am ready to go. Unless," he twinkled, "Someone or something hooks my attention!"

At this final Teo his attention was very hooked by his intent to walk up the Pyramid of the Sun one last time. One of the most poignant moments of the entire journey was when a small group of "elders," or long-term teachers of don Miguel's lineage, walked with early Sunday morning towards the Pyramid of the Sun from the hotel. Many people wanted to offer him a ride or get him a taxi, but he was adamant to walk himself. We trailed behind him as he walked briskly, and I was reminded of his lightening pace walking up the crater at Haleakala many years earlier.

When we rounded the corner of the pyramid there was a group of about 100 Mexicans dressed in white, there to honor Sarita and don Miguel. I stood behind don Miguel, surrounded by my fellow teachers and spiritual family, while he hugged and blessed every single person. Someone later reminded me that a group of our Texas spiritual community was visiting with Amma at the same time. Amma is known around the world as the hugging guru, and is a dynamo of unconditional mama love. We got to witness the papa of hugs that morning!

With each hug, don Miguel said goodbye over and over again. He then turned and hugged each of us and then sent us to walk up the pyramid. don Miguel had asked us to focus on our own death as we walked up the pyramid, but I was captivated by his journey, as were many others. I could see that each step was a goodbye, each look out over the pyramids was a blessing, each tear that was shed around him was a prayer. He showed us how to face death, with open arms and a smile, despite the failings of the body. When he reached the top I knew I had witnessed a miracle of faith over physical reality, and that this was don Miguel's final teaching to us.

I am so grateful for my reconnection with don Miguel, and though I will miss his physical form whenever he does finally embrace the Angel for the final time, I feel peace. I was also so blessed to reconnect with many of the beings who were with me on my journey of spiritually "growing up." It was beautiful to be around people who were my peers and friends, who had seen me through so many transformations, and who are blossoming in their lives. We laughed and cried and hugged through all five days together. Thank you for the light that you are.

To don Miguel: thank you. You know I love you. And I know you love me, and all of creation.

Here is the pic many of the Toltec Teachers at the Dreaming House in Teo.... Keep shining!